Why I Almost… left the Church
I almost left the church, the “established” church that is…. And sometimes, I still feel like leaving the church. There, I said it. Yes, Eric Starkey: husband, father, devout Christian and maybe most relevant to this post, “pastor” has seriously considered leaving the church, or at least “the church” as we know it.
I guess the answers to that question are both simple and complicated. I am hesitant to publicly share many of my thoughts on this subject because I fear that I will offend friends. Nevertheless, I feel this post might be a valuable exercise for me to write -and for you to read. Perhaps if we wrestle with a few of these “reasons” you and I both might be better for it. And perhaps, the Church could be better for it. With that being said, I want to make it clear that my goal is not to insult or take cheap shots at anyone or any local church. My goal is to transparently share why I sometimes find myself nearing that point where I want to say, “Enough is enough!”
- I got burned out. I entered the ministry at age eighteen; I preached for the first time on Sunday morning at nineteen and experienced early “success.” Sometimes I believe that early “success” was actually a “curse.” From that point forward, it was full speed ahead and no looking back. I put the Church and ministry before everything –and I mean everything. After doing that for over fifteen years, the inevitable finally… happened: I burned out. I am surprised I lasted as long as I did. I often wonder why someone did not stop me earlier. Many people in many different churches had opportunities to grab me and put their arm around me and say, “Eric, slow down. You have your whole life ahead of you. Slow down and enjoy your college years. Slow down and enjoy your young family. Slow down and enjoy life.” Very few people offered me that wise caution and still fewer leaders ever did. Honestly, I cannot think of any other pastors who ever advised me to slow my pace. It was not until “I” put on the brakes (at God’s prompting) that I finally got that message –independent of anyone within the Church.
- I got incredibly frustrated with many of the people in the Church. Religious people, legalistic people, “super-spiritual” people, mean people, hypocrites, needy people, manipulative people, leaders who worry more about themselves than the people who they are leading, highly educated people who are illiterate to the simplest Biblical Truths, insecure people, etc. Everywhere I turned (in the Church) there seemed to always be someone who met one or more of the aforementioned descriptions. These people sucked the passion, energy and life right out of me.
- I began to notice the lack of authentic relationships in the church. There is so much that could be said here but I want to keep this post short. Let me just say that most churches that I have been a part of have shallow relationships with various undercurrents running through them. Church leadership is more about politics than shepherding. If you doubt my observation, just watch what happens when controversy or disagreements arise. Church relationships often (not always, but often) have little depth and are disposable *This is not a loose accusation that I am making. I make it after eighteen years of being heavily involved in various local churches.
- I am not comfortable inviting my un-churched friends to church. Approximately four years ago, my wife and I made a commitment to purposely start living our lives OUTSIDE the walls of church buildings. Part of this commitment was to begin building relationships with people who did not attend a church. As we have slowly made this transition, we have realized that we are not comfortable inviting our un-churched friends to church with us.
- Much of the contemporary Church is “dumbing down” the Gospel. In our efforts to grow and attract people to our churches, we have watered down and “dumbed down” the Gospel to where “following Jesus” is not following Jesus. We have forgotten what it means to “take up our crosses.” We have made it too easy. We have made it too simple. Sometimes I think we may even insult the intelligence of un-churched people when they attend our churches. Don’t talk to un-churched people like they are stupid. Share Truth! Challenge people! Preach the Gospel! Teach the Word! That is what the people are there for; that is what they desperately need. Challenge them; that is what will cause them to see their need for Christ and authentic Christian community.
- I have not gotten anything out of many of the church services I have attended. Sorry, I am just being honest. When we extricate authentic relationships and dumb down the Gospel, what do you think is going to happen? Church should be more meaningful than checking a box off on our weekly Christian “to do list.” And please do not try to attract me with just music, I can always find better on Pandora.
- Most churches look nothing like the Church in the New Testament. I am just being honest –again. Why should I force myself to attend a weekly meeting that calls itself one thing and then has the characteristics of something completely different? Most churches “Major on the minors” and “minor on the Majors” of the things that are important to New Testament Church culture. We invest our time and treasure in buildings and programs rather than people –and then we wonder why we are losing “people.” Hello…..?
- I was never good at “Playing the Game” –nor did I ever want to play. I have no passion for the “the game.” I have no energy for “the game.” I find no life in “the game.” Honestly, when I sense that “the game” is being played, I run fast and far from it. “The game” disgusts me now. I am so tired of political games. I am so tired of people games. I am so tired of church games. I just want to be a part of something real. I am not looking for perfect, (I know it is not out there) but I am looking for “real.”
- Because of the above characteristics, I find many of our churches to be full of under discipled, under utilized, immature, lethargic Christians. I think that is the real fruit that our church marketing, flashy programs and flowery sermons have produced for us. Frankly, this reality absolutely disturbs me.
- I got tired of excuses. You can come up with an excuse for anything, -if you try hard enough. And we have become very astute at making good excuses in the Church. Our excuses disgust me.
Why should I attend a weekly “celebration service” that has no real depth and screams “fake,” with other people in a community almost completely divorced of authentic relationships, where a watered down weak (and/or twisted) gospel is preached, in an atmosphere where I am not comfortable inviting my un-churched friends, with “church people” who often incredibly frustrate me?
These are the reasons why I have had serious thoughts about leaving the established church. *For the record, my family and I have not left the Church nor do we plan to; we still faithfully attend. But, I have to wonder how many people have already abandoned the Church for these same reasons. I would bet all of my earthly possessions that the numbers are far more than just a few…
Perhaps we should all take a step back, stop making our ridiculous excuses and wrestle with some of these areas of dysfunction while there is still time. -Because the era of “going to church just because you are supposed to” is over.
I invite you to comment with “your reasons” below -or feel free to offer a rebuttal to mine. Let’s please keep our comments as positive and productive as possible. -Just an FYI, I plan to write a post next week entitled, “Why I did not leave the Church.”
The Basic Elements of the Church: Evangelism
So I hear there is a big stink going on down in Sullivan, Indiana; “big stink” is my southern slang for a fight. Apparently, there are a few high school kids, who call themselves “gay,” that plan to attend prom as practicing homosexuals. I’ll let my readers gathers the facts for themselves regarding all the details, but obviously when the public expression of homosexuality goes to the high school prom in small town Midwestern America there will be a few fireworks in the community. -And many of the “sparks” will be made by my fellow conservative Christian friends. I am sure that most Christians in Sullivan have already been asking tough questions like:
- How did we lose our Christian influence on the culture in “our” town?
- What can we do to reach those who are continuing to drift away from the church and our Christian values?
- How can we make Christianity and church life “relevant” to people in Sullivan, Indiana –especially the younger generations?
- What can we do to take back the ground that we have already lost?
I have been waiting for some time to finish up my latest series, “The Basic Elements of the Church.” I had previously shared that from my study of scripture and personal experience, I believe that there are three basic elements that make up the Church. The first element is Relationships: our authentic relationships with God and each other. The second element that I identified was Discipleship: our embracing of and learning to live out the teachings of Christ -and helping others to do the same. Pretty simple so far, right? Well, the third element is the tough one. To be completely honest, it is the element that I have struggled with for my entire adult life. (I will share why in a later post.) The third element of the church is, “Evangelism.”
Evangelism is our sharing of the Gospel message, or the Good News. When we attempt to evangelize others, we are “sharing Christ” with them and inviting them into our churches. We are extending an invitation for them to become a part of the Family and to be “like us.” We are compelling them to repent of their sins, ask Christ for forgiveness and come follow Jesus with us. We are in essence, making the argument that “our way of life is better.” We are rightly stating that it is much better to willingly follow Jesus than to be swept along in life by the undercurrents of this world.
So why is it so hard for us to make our argument? Why are we losing ground in our culture? Why is the Church in America shrinking? I believe these are the questions that we should be wrestling with. In addition, I think that if we would be completely honest with ourselves and each other we would have to admit that fear, manipulation and entertainment are often used in today’s Christian culture to compel people into the Church. -Not always, but often. My earliest memories as a child in church services are of the preacher speaking about hell and God’s wrath waiting for those who had not repented of their sins and given their hearts to Christ. In my adult church experiences, spanning across multiple denominations and geographical areas, I have observed various forms of slight, mild and even strong manipulation used to convert a “lost person” to Christianity. I am sure I have even been guilty of doing this myself, unknowingly of course with a very sincere heart. And then there is the “entertainment value” of our modern church culture. I’ll save you the rant, but we all know that “church” needs to be entertaining nowadays. We use our talents, technology and treasure to bring the “Wow Factor” to our church services, all so that we can “win someone to Christ.” BUT, what happens to “our” converts when the fear factor is lost, when they become wise to or grow tired of the manipulation, or when the entertainment of the world trumps that of our church services? We lose them, that is what happens. We lose them because our “evangelism” and flavor of Christianity did not present them with the “substance” that they so desperately needed to become well grounded followers of Christ.
So let’s stop and think about this for a second. God is good. He loved us so much that He sent His Son to die on a cross for our sins. He rose from the grave on the third day, conquering death, hell and the grave -and redeeming us. God has given us His Word and His Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. He gave birth to the Church so that we could have a family filled with others just like us who follow Him and who love and support us. AND He promises to return for His Bride one day soon. – Not a bad deal when you stop and think about it.
So if the above statement is true, -and I believe it is. Why do we have to use “Fear,” “Manipulation” and “The Wow Factor” to win people to Christ? And why are we failing to effectively communicate the Gospel Message? WHY??? I strongly believe that this is a question worth asking and a question worth wrestling with.
I also believe that the answer to this question will go a long way towards answering the questions that some of my friends and colleagues are asking in Sullivan, Indiana. Furthermore, I simply cannot stop myself from asking this question: “What would Jesus do if he was living in Sullivan Indiana and a few spiritually, emotionally and sexually confused kids were planning to attend the high school prom?” How big of a deal would He make out of? How many fireworks would He set off? How many bridges would He burn? How many relationships would He sacrifice?
Well, this post has grown long enough. I will finish discussing Evangelism and make an attempt at answering my tough questions in my next post. However, I would love to hear your comments and thoughts below.
The Basic Elements of the Church: Discipleship
So I get home from work yesterday and we all take our seats in the dining room as we prepare to eat dinner together; this is our daily routine. During the course of eating our simple meal, sandwiches, my 13-year-old daughter asked a question; I am not sure of the exact question but it was something like, “Why is it wrong for a man and a woman to live together before they get married?” She then quickly followed that question up with “What if they are not ‘doing anything’ though?” I could have easily gotten angry at my daughter for asking a question that challenged my Christian values. Believe me, she knows my position on that issue. I could have told my wife, “That’s it, we’re home schooling our children or sending them to a Christian school!” This question coming from my 13-year-old daughter should have threatened my wife and I, right? -But, it didn’t. We have carefully constructed an environment in our home where questions can be asked. What occurred after my daughter’s question was a meaningful 30 minute discussion as we ate our meal. We discussed boundaries, healthy relationships, why my wife and I instituted certain rules in our home and even why Amy and I have set certain limits for ourselves in relationships with others from the opposite sex in order to protect our marriage. It gave us a relevant opportunity to share God’s plan in marriage, why husbands and wives are to cling to each other and unfortunately, what happens when they don’t. While the initial conversation only lasted 30 minutes during dinner, there were follow-up questions that lasted until we went to bed. You see, my daughter’s question presented the perfect opportunity to explain our Christian values and to express to her and our other two children why God’s plan for our lives is best. -This is called parenting; it could also be called “Discipleship.” And no matter what you call it, it requires time, it requires patience, it requires grace, it requires Truth and it requires relationship. There are no shortcuts.
“Our pastor has decided that discipleship is not his ‘thing.’ We have just decided to focus on having a great Sunday morning service with a large crowd; this is what we are good at.” -This comment was made by the senior associate pastor of the largest church in our two state conference of the denomination that had sponsored me to plant a church. His church was a ten-year old church plant that served as “the model” for the other churches in the conference. The conference leadership saw potential in me and offered to help mold me and my church plant into a “successful church.” But, comments like the one quoted above caused me to pull away and question their recipe for “success.” Before long, we realized that we were not on the same page and we parted ways.
Discipleship… the great failure in the modern American Church. Why do we have such a hard time with this? Sometimes when I think about it, it absolutely blows my mind. How can someone go to church their entire life, sit under thousands of hours of preaching and teaching -and still be a baby Christian? Why do so many Christians stumble in regards to the basic principles of the faith? If Jesus really is the answer, why do most church people live no differently than those who are still “of this world?” I want to be very clear here; I am NOT talking about being legalistic, religious or churchy. I am simply talking about living a life where it is clear to those around us that we are not “of this world” and that our Father is not “of this world.” If we would get brutally honest with ourselves we would have to admit that much of American christianity puts a “churchy” facade in front of a worldly life. This is why people are leaving the church in droves. They are simply not getting anything out of it and do not feel compelled to “play our game.”
So how does effective discipleship play in with all of this? First off, I would be an extremely arrogant guy if I thought I had all the answers. -I know I do not have all the answers, but I do feel like I have discovered a few clues to effective discipleship over the years. The words of St John echo in my ears, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” and “For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” So do Jesus’ last verbal instructions to us: “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you.”
If we were to write a mathematical equation for effective discipleship, I think it would look something like this:
(“Relationship with God” + “Relationships with Each Other”) X (Grace + Truth) = DISCIPLESHIP.
Healthy relationships are the foundation for discipleship. No relationships, no discipleship. How many healthy disciples have you met who were “not” in relationships with others? I would venture to say, “zero.” We were designed for relationship, we were created for relationship; calling yourself a mature disciple without being in relationship is like calling yourself a parent when you do not have any children. The statement is simply absurd and foolish. Jesus calls us to be in relationship with Him as we follow Him AND He does not call us to follow Him “alone.” However, healthy relationships do need boundaries.
So… as we follow Jesus, and enter into a relationship with Him and each other, God’s Word gives us basic relational principles to follow. God basically says, “If you want to be in relationship with Me and your fellow-man, here are the spiritual principles (-or the Truth) you must practice.” Please note, Truth is not “the law,” John made a definite differentiation between the two. God’s Truth has the power to literally transform us; it is not a rule, but a gateway to life. God also knows that we are incapable receiving Truth, yielding to it and following it on our own, so He graciously extended His grace towards us in Jesus. As a result, Grace and Truth come through Jesus -as we commune with Him. The transfer of Truth takes place via relationship, through our relationships with God -and each other. It is a heavenly transaction that perpetually takes place as we all follow Jesus.
Jesus taught in the synagogues and to the masses, but most of His time was spent in smaller groups and in one on one atmospheres. Thus, He gave of Himself more relationally than corporately. In addition, the example that Jesus set for us was just as much about the model as it is the actually words that came out of His mouth. You will never catch Jesus saying, “Do what I say, but not what I do.” No just the opposite, He served as a model for every single one of His teachings. He never asked us to do a single thing that He had not already done Himself. He served, He gave, He trusted the Father, He sacrificed and He took the time for authentic relationship with His disciples. He Knew them -and they knew Him. This was the discipleship model that Jesus used. It was not a program; it was a way of life. Discipleship is just as much about modeling the Truth as it is about teaching the Truth. We fail at discipleship because we do not follow Jesus’ model.
Therefore, our journey of discipleship unfolds as we commune with Jesus and each other & follow His teachings together. Discipleship does not happen by sitting in a corporate service and listening to hours and hours of teaching and preaching. I have nothing against the preaching and teaching of God’s word. In fact, I like listening to God’s word preached and taught when it is done well -and I am actually pretty good at doing that myself. However, I have realized that our best preaching and teaching is insufficient for discipleship when it is isolated from healthy relationships. Relationships are key to discipleship, relationships in the home, relationships in the Church and relationships outside of the four walls of the local church building.
So then, why is the American church failing so miserably at discipleship? I think the main reason is because we have believed the lie that we can make discipleship happen on Sunday mornings -in a crowd. If the music is good enough, if the preaching is good enough, if the facilities are good enough, if the programs are tweaked enough, if the atmosphere is “just right” then discipleship will “magically” happen. We can have our cake, eat it too and make it taste very good. The problem is: discipleship is not happening. The American church is shrinking and the people who call themselves “Christians” are less and less mature disciples. Our mindset of, “If we can just get Sally to church on Sunday, she will be OK.” is flawed. Most of the time, Sally is not affected by our church service alone. Sure, she might get excited every now and then, but the excitement and emotionalism wears off. What Sally really needs is Christian relationship; Sally needs to be discipled. Furthermore, after experiencing what we have to offer on Sunday morning, Sally does not feel compelled to buy in to our churchy facade and “play the game” with us. Sally has better things to do. -I talk to people like “Sally” almost everyday. Most of them are polite, but in a nutshell this is what they are saying.
If I really thought having a great Sunday service was the answer, I would drop everything I am doing, recruit a core group of talented people and plant an attractional church as soon as possible. I would recruit, plug away and build. We would have the best music, the best preaching, and the best children and youth programs; then we would build the best facility in town. People would come, it is a proven model. If done right, you can have yourself a mini megachurch in about ten years. –Been there, done that, know how to do it -but walked away from it all. Why, you ask? Because I have seen the fruits of it first hand, in multiple environments. I have become convinced that a Sunday morning performance in front of hundreds of people is not the answer to making disciples. And Jesus called me to make disciples not build “c”hurches. “Sally” will not be helped by this -and the hard statistics prove it. Do we get that? WHAT WE ARE DOING IS NOT WORKING!!! Can we get that through our thick skulls??? If we want different results, if we want disciples, if we want authentic Christianity as it was designed by God to be, if we really want to help people, we must do something different.
Our corporate worship services create the problem for us. We want to use them as a foundation in the Church and stack everything else on top of them. Our corporate services are supposed to be the big thing that attracts people to our churches. We use them as the “connecting point.” Therefore the majority of our energy and resources are directed towards this weekly event. Do you see the problem? Discipleship comes with authentic relationships; discipleship happens in smaller groups. You don’t get that in the corporate service. If you attend a church that has more than 100 people, stop and ask yourself a question, “When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation with your pastor?” -Stop and think about it. Not a quick question about an issue or detail in the church, not just shaking a hand at the back door with a few short comments, but a meaningful conversation about something in your life or theirs. Then think about this, “the Kingdom of God is built on relationships.” Does your pastor even “know” you? Do the people at your church really “know” you? If the Church is supposed to be your spiritual family, shouldn’t more than a few people in your church really “know” you? Do even a few people “know” you?
In addition, huge problems are caused by the money, power and personalities that are involved in most large churches. I will save that discussion for a later post, if needed. Just please notice, Jesus refused to accumulate power and money in His earthly ministry. He refused to involve Himself in politics. He knew the problems these foreign elements would bring to His Kingdom. Remember He said, “My Kingdom is not of this world.” Money, power, politics and egos often create large religious institutional machines where the value of the individual person is lost and authentic relationships are under valued. It is very easy to “throw people away” in these systems. The institution is valued more than the individual person.
The symptoms of the real problem are all over the place, pastors throwing away church people, churches throwing away pastors. Pastors throwing away other pastors. Church hopping is rampant. Why??? I thought these people were family? The lack of accountability of pastors, church leaders and church members, failing marriages, corrupt leadership, secret agendas, positioning for power, begging and manipulating God’s people for money to pay salaries and build large elaborate buildings that we think we need because we compete with the world -all symptoms of weak dysfunctional relationships and shallow discipleship: –Just because these dysfunctional elements have become “normal”does not mean they are right -or justified. Christian relationship in the church has been replaced with politics; then we wonder why the unchurched are not interested in what we have to offer them. Do you actually blame them? Seriously, do you really??? Honestly I don’t; frankly, I am embarrassed for us. -And a good performance on Sunday morning does not make any of this ok. WE NEED TO REPENT!
The current system does not promote discipleship; it promotes… -well, it promotes what we have now. Call it whatever you like. Relationship and discipleship go hand in hand and are the first two of the three core elements of the church; they are the elemental glue that holds a healthy church together. If we are not getting them right, then we must stop and ask ourselves some hard questions -and then seek answers. This is exactly what I am doing right now in my own life and on this blog.
-Again, constructive comments are welcomed and appreciated.
Discovering Indiana Gumbo: a few thoughts from my weekend retreat
From Wikipedia: “Gumbo is often used as a metaphor for the mix of cultures that exist in southern Louisiana. The dish combines the culinary practices of French, Spanish, native tribes, and African slaves, as well as Italians and Germans. In the 18th and 19th centuries, people from these cultures lived together within a fairly small area with minimal mobility. This fostered an environment in which cultures could influence each other and meld to create new traditions and cuisine.”
About once a year I spend a weekend hanging out with some people who have become very good friends. Years ago I would have never believed that I could spend an entire weekend with such a motley crew. These friends come from all walks of life, with various religious backgrounds, levels of education, occupations and personalities. When you stop and think about it you quickly realize that we are all very different, yet we are so incredibly the same. We all get together in a secluded area in west central Indiana. Not at a hotel or resort area with five star amenities, but at a campground with little more than the necessities; -we don’t mind it though.
We always invite new friends to come and join us on these weekends. As a matter of fact, the primary purpose of the entire get-together is to be a blessing to these new friends. They are often very apprehensive about attending our little retreat. They arrive nervous and curiously anticipating what could possibly happen during this pilgrimage. Many of these “new friends” have heard stories of those who have attended the retreats before whose lives have been changed and transformed. And just as I did on my first weekend, they wonder how this “transformation” could happen in such a humble atmosphere? And more importantly, could it happen to them? To complicate matters, those of us who are veterans of these weekend pilgrimages are not to quick to share all the details of what actually happens. We tell our “new friends” that the veil of secrecy is kept in order to make their weekend as special as possible. And on Sunday evenings, they almost always return to their lives different from when they arrived on Thursday evening. As a result, many of us return in order to help provide the same opportunity for others. And although those of us who return do so to joyfully serve and give, we actually receive much more than we could ever possibly give back during the weekend.
There is so much more I could say about these retreats, about this extended family and how God has used them in my life, however I seriously doubt that I could ever find adequate words to express their worth to me and thousands of others. In addition, it must be stressed that the people who participate in these weekends are imperfect and they know it. We are not anyone special, and we know it. Those who participate in this community are simple ordinary people who just happen to love God, each other and their neighbors -a lot. We are Methodists, Baptists, Pentecostals, Presbyterians, Catholics, Non-denominationals and any other Christian denomination in between. Yet we come together, set our religious differences aside and love one other. Participating in such a diverse yet unified community has profoundly affected me. God has revealed Himself -and His ways to me through these experiences and He continues to use these weekends to teach me what His Church is supposed to look like. -It looks so much different from what I once thought.
Those of you who follow this blog know that I am often critical of “the Church” in the U.S. I try hard to stay positive but my frustration often shows. Being a part of this community encourages me. These weekends give me hope. Again, I want to stress that this motley crew is full of ordinary imperfect people, just as I am ordinary and imperfect. But it seems that those of us who participate have made a conscious decision to love each other -and others despite their imperfections and differences. God honors that decision to love -and it creates an atmosphere that is simply indescribable. Being from southeast Louisiana, it has always been very difficult to find good gumbo here in central Indiana. However, I do believe I have found it here after all.
The Basic Elements of the Church: Relationships
We were created by God to know and to be known, -by Him and each other.
Matthew 22:34-40 But when the Pharisees heard that He had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Our Relationship with God:
“Legalism is not your answer, correct doctrine or politics is not your answer, a euphoric feeling is not your answer, a man on a stage -or a TV screen is not your answer, the answer you are looking for will only be found in having a relationship with God through His Son Jesus.”
Why did God create us anyway? If you haven’t, please stop and think about that. -Go ahead, I’ll wait………
Did God create us just to be His servants? or robots? or His pets??? I believe the whole of scripture tells us the love story of a God who “created us in His image” so that He could “know us.” -So that we could we could know Him. After all, Jesus once defined eternal life as “knowing God.” Yes! The God of the universe wants us to know Him. God created us. God loves us. Despite our sin, God has been very patience with us. God humbled Himself and became a man for us. Jesus died for us -to redeem us. The Holy Spirit pursues us. The Holy Spirit indwells and empowers us. And Jesus is coming back for us.
I think just about any Christian with good spiritual common sense and an elementary understanding of the Bible would agree with those Truths. All of these Truths point to a very simple theological fact: God wants an intimate relationship with us. And as Keith Green would say, “He wants more than Sundays and Wednesday nights.” God wants to be a vital part of our everyday lives. He wants His presence to be “real” in our lives, just as real as the presence of our spouses, children, parents and close friends. The foundational element of the Church should be our relationship with Him; this is exactly why Jesus calls the Church His “Bride.” Our Groom is passionate about His relationship with us. -And He wants us to be passionate about our relationship with Him.
Furthermore in regards to worship, authentic worship is born out of authentic relationship. How could we ever worship a God that we simply did not know? How could we ever fully give ourselves in authentic worship to a God who we refused to trust as our Anchor, -for everything in our lives? Music -and talented worship leaders can certainly facilitate a worship experience, but authentic worship demands the depth of a relationship. Therefore, as our relationship with God matures, how could we ever “not” worship Him? As a believer matures, worship should be an almost automatic response to God working in their lives. Authentic worship is a natural fruit of an authentic relationship with God. I fear we are, at times, attempting to “induce” worship in our church services -rather than facilitating it. My concern is that there is often a stronger connection to the music and those leading it, than there is to God.
In the end, the above Truth must escape our doctrinal statements, church website verbiage & blogs and be driven as an anchor to tether our church culture. Our churches should not be anchored with talented ministers, beautiful buildings, emotional worship experiences, the traditions of man, financial wealth, innovative programs or even well established “correct doctrine.” While all these things are “good,” we begin to worship them (rather than God) when they are used to anchor the Church. When our relationships with God are not anchoring the foundations of our churches, all types of perversions are possible -from extreme legalism, to ultra liberalism and almost any perversion in between; “balance” is lost. Unfortunately, this point can be easily proven by running a Google search on “church scandals.” Please note that these scandals are not limited to any particular denomination or doctrinal group; they are equal opportunity byproducts that appear across all veins of Christianity. Our churches must be anchored by living, breathing, authentic relationships with God through His Son Jesus. –Absolutely nothing else can replace this.
Our Relationships with One Another:
“How much visiting do you have to do?” and “I just want to preach.” -These are two phrases that I have often heard from other pastors over the years. I restate these quotes here because I think they illustrate our problem with relationships between each other in the Church. The Church in our culture has been reduced to sitting in large rooms and auditoriums, participating in corporate worship and listening to teaching/preaching for a few hours per week. I love to preach and I love hearing good preaching and teaching. I love to worship God corporately and I don’t mind listening to talented worshipers, worship God. I am even OK with there being somewhat of an “entertainment value” in a worship service; I do not think God wants church services to be boring. BUT, if we call a group of people seated in a building with worship music and preaching: “having church,” we have got major problems. Please pardon my bluntness, but calling that the Church is like calling a man and a women lying in bed together “a marriage.” While we should like and enjoy what happens in the bedroom, it does not make a healthy marriage by itself; -divorce statistics clearly demonstrate that sex is not enough to make a healthy marriage. I would never settle for a wife that just showed up at my house a few hours per week. Frankly, I am looking for something deeper; I want to share my life with someone. Jesus expects nothing less from His Bride. The Church is the people; the Church is people loving each other and participating in relationship. I am sorry friends, but that does not happen during a Sunday morning worship service in a large room or auditorium in the midst of a crowd.
Christian relationship happens when love, time, grace, truth, sacrifice and people intersect. When “life” rubs up against “life;” in other words, when we get to know each other. -And we make a decision to put up with each other, -even though we “know” each other! Another word could almost be used here, “family.” Seems like we may have heard that word used in the Bible a few times when God’s people are described. No matter how elaborate the building, how good the music or how entertaining the teaching and preaching is, it simply cannot serve as an adequate substitute for relationship. As messy as the process might be, there is no substitute for “life rubbing up against life.” Jesus modeled this principle HImself by sharing His earthly life with His disciples and spending much less time with the crowds. He could have catered to the crowds, but He knew better. Who are we to think that our strategy is better than His? Jesus focused on authentic relationships that had true depth. Therein lays the beauty of the Church; and therein lays Her power –when we learn to love each other as God’s love is revealed to us.
In addition, our pursuits for numerical growth and “success” in our churches often overshadow our pursuit of “relationship” with God and each other. Then when we become successful, we no longer “need” God or each other. Often times, we sacrifice these relationships in the process of becoming “successful.” As a result, at a certain point we belittle God to His place in our doctrinal statement, written core values and Sunday rhetoric and we throw each other away. (Please note my use of the word “we.” I include myself in these allegations.) I have been in the ministry for 17 years and I have personally watched this scenario play out multiple times, in multiple groups and in multiple denominations; it is simply the nature of “the system.” *This would not happen if “relationships” were the core element and deeply driven anchor of the local church. We do not “belittle” or “throw away” those who we dearly love and authentically care about. Do Jesus’ Words in Matthew 22 make better sense now?
–And He said, “On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” Relationship is not everything; but everything hangs on relationship. Without proper relationships, the Church predestines itself to be much, much less than what God designed Her to be.
We were created by God to know and to be known, -by Him and each other…
The Basic Elements of the Church: introducing the elements
Before we begin discussing the elements, can we just be honest and admit that scripture can be (and has been) twisted to defend almost any position out there? Seriously, how many cult leaders and politicians have you seen use scripture to defend their agendas? With that being said, before we continue this discussion I want to set a few ground rules:
-We are leaving out the popular doctrinal arguments. Calvinist vs Arminianist vs Charismatic, etc.
-We are leaving out the tradition & style arguments. Traditional vs Contemporary vs Post-Modern, etc.
-We are leaving out the political arguments. Republican vs Democrat vs Libertarian, etc.
-And we are leaving out the historical arguments. Catholic vs Protestant vs all the other “flavors” that Christianity has to offer.
I would really like to isolate this discussion from the hazy fog of the differences mentioned above. The Church is made up of people like you and me, all flawed human beings. If we focus on our differences, we will never make it to the basics; we will never be able to see the beautiful forest because of the numerous overgrown trees.
Furthermore, rather than pleading my case by listing endless scripture references extracted from their original context, I am going to ask you to use your “spiritual common sense” and draw from your knowledge of scripture as a whole. I might reference a few passages here and there, but I DO NOT want to base these basic elements on just a few verses pulled from the Bible. Rather, my intent to support these basic elements with the whole of scripture, using the entire love story that God’s Word tells us.
My prayer is that we can set our doctrine, traditions & church styles, politics and interpretations of church history on the side and focus on the basics. Perhaps if we had the basic elements of the church nailed down, we could better reconcile the nonessentials to them. So with the ground rules set, let me remind you of my initial analogy from my first post on this subject.
“Water is used in innumerable mixtures, from soft drinks to commercial cleaners. -But when it is purified to its simplest form and broken down to it’s most basic molecular components, we find a simple molecule containing the following: two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. What should we find when the Church is deduced down to Her basic elements, -when She is in Her purest most organic state?”
From my understanding of scripture, God and His Kingdom, when the Church is stripped of the non-essentials and simplified to Her purest state, we should fine three basic elements: relationships, discipleship and outreach -in that order. And I believe the order of those elements are very important.
Next week I will begin to write on the first element, “Relationships.” I believe this to be one of the most “overlooked” and “under-discovered” elements in the American church. -BUT THEY ARE THE FOUNDATION FOR EVERYTHING.
The Basic Elements of the Church: A Few Thoughts on Detoxing
Before I start writing on the basics elements of the Church, I felt prompted to add a few comments to my previous two posts. If you did not read them, the links are below:
Exhausted… -Rediscovering the core elements of the Church
FRUSTRATED!!! -The 10,000 Pound Elephant in the Church
Until four years ago, I had been obese for most of my life. I actually weigh less now than I did when I was in the sixth grade. By the time I was a freshman in high school, my doctor informed me that I would probably be dead in my 30’s if I did not make a change. Telling a 14 year old kid he is headed for sudden death motivates him to action, at least it did for me. The following summer I lost over 100 pounds by following a low calorie diet and becoming more physically active. After losing the weight, the physical activity stayed but I went back to my old eating habits. And honestly, my eating habits had no boundaries.
Until four years ago, I ate whatever I wanted -whenever I wanted it. I was a product of my culture. As most families, food was at the center of our family’s culture. Being heavily involved in the church, food was often involved in the church culture that I was a part of. And obviously, food -and plenty of it, is at the center of our American culture; this is the reason why obesity related illnesses are the #1 cause of death in our nation. Until four years ago, obesity was “normal” for me. -And thus in my mind, my obesity was normalized and justified. I weighed in at over 300 pounds.
So the obvious question for you to ask is: “Eric, what caused you to change?” There are two answers to that question. The first answer is my children. I began to see my children eating the same things that I ate and I knew it was not good for them. I love my children and would do anything for them, including the correction of my own bad habits. The second answer is education. I began to educate myself in regards to obesity and healthy eating. I found out what junk food did to my body and I found out what healthy food did for my body. I began to find it really hard to shove a dozen donuts down my throat when I realized what effect those donuts would have on me, and on my children who were watching…
I know my past few posts have been really tough on the current state of the Church and have probably offended a few (or more) of my friends who are pastors and church leaders. Please understand, I love the Church and am called to serve the Church. Nothing could ever change this, it is the simple reality of who God created me to be. But after unplugging from vocational ministry for a few years and taking a step back to just “observe,” my perspective has been profoundly changed. The past few years have been very enlightening for me. I did not set out two years ago to be a “critic” of the established church, just like I did not set out five years ago to become a “health nut.” However when you become “aware” of the truth and other vital information, what you do with that information demonstrates your character. What would it say about me as a “responsible father” if I continued shoving unhealthy amounts of soda, donuts and ice cream down my throat and my children’s throat AFTER having the knowledge that I have now? And what would it say about me as a “responsible pastor” if I just returned to vocational ministry and continued as I was two or three years ago? I never wanted to make any enemies and I certainly never wanted to be labeled “a radical.” My flesh would much prefer to just “fit-in” and go with the flow… But, that simply goes against everything that is in me. I cannot fathom just “going with the flow” at this point; I love the Church too much to do that.
For the record, I do not consider myself a “health nut” when it comes to my physical lifestyle or a “radical” when it comes to Christianity. However, I do seek “balance” and a lifestyle that pursues “reconciliation” to the teachings of Jesus. So… that leaves me with taking the risk of sharing these thoughts on my blog and waiting to see if they gain traction with others. I have to be honest and share that I can not help but wonder if there is anyone else out there who feels the same as I do. Feel free to share your comments below.
FRUSTRATED!!! -The 10,000 Pound Elephant in the Church
“Jesus answered, My kingdom is not of this world. If My kingdom were of this world, My servants would fight, so that I should not be delivered to the Jews; but now My kingdom is not from here.” (John 18:36 NKJV)
So… I was in my mid-twenties and I found myself the “Director of Finance and Support Services” for a regional government agency. I’ll spare you all the boring details regarding how I acquired that position, but let’s just say that people “do” notice when you show up for work -and you work hard. Man, I thought I was somebody. I administered a budget of over 4 million dollars including managing payroll and benefits for almost 100 employees and oversaw the accounting, information technology, maintenance and food service programs while supervising a staff of sixteen. “I” only reported to the executive director; I had especially impressed myself by acquiring this position at the age of 27 with only an associates degree in general studies. I found myself making major decisions that profoundly affected other people.
I can still vividly remember the first time I was involved in making the tough decision to lay an employee off. It was the right decision for the organization, simply “a business decision.” -BUT, it had a profound impact on the person we laid off. I can still remember talking on the phone with her a few weeks after it had happened. She sobbed almost uncontrollably as I re-explained her options regarding health insurance and other benefits. She kept asking me why, “Why did we do this to her?” I stuttered through the conversation and finally got her off the phone. My executive director seem unaffected by the episode, but I could not say the same. I kept telling myself, “it is just a business decision.” “It is just business.” Telling myself that didn’t help much though.
As my secular career has progressed over the past 12 years I have always tried to remind myself during those difficult decisions, “this is just business.” As Christians in a secular workplace, we can do our best to stick to our values and ethics but at the end of the day what is best for “the company” has to drive the company decisions -and what is best for “me,” has to drive my decisions as an employee. -I have to admit that the more I have followed that logic, the more successful I became in the secular world. -Like it or not, that is the way that the world goes round. For those of you who are tempted to be pass judgement on me for making the above comments, please keep in mind that if businesses are not kept in the “black” and if government agencies are not run efficiently, then there are no jobs. -Thus the current condition of our economy.
Furthermore, as I translate these thoughts to words I cannot help but think that I would have become a much more “successful” pastor and church planter if I would have adopted this same logic from my secular career into my career in ministry. To grow a church, you always have to do what is best for the organization. If you need to throw someone away in order to “do what is best,” then the end justifies the means. -The betterment of the church is what is important, right? Upholding and supporting the church leadership is what is important, right?? Ultimately, getting butts in the seats is what’s important, right??? Please note that I am an equal opportunity critic with these comments. I have served and closely observed many different denominations and independent church groups over the past 18 years. And as I think back, I find that this logic is by far the most commonly used in the church. -At least in “successful” churches. Therein lies my frustration; a lot of today’s churches do not look much different from secular organizations. Sure we do a good job of sounding Christ-like, but “our systems” operate almost identically to the systems of the world.
Jesus said, “My Kingdom is not of this world.” Wow… there is a lot that could be said while “unpacking” that truth. Those of us who are students of the Gospels know that the disciples had a very hard time wrapping their heads around that truth -and I think we struggle just the same today. At the end of the day, Jesus was telling us that his Kingdom operates completely different from the world’s kingdoms.
Inserting Jesus’ statement into it’s original context gives us the most extreme example of this. Jesus tells Pilate, “If My Kingdom were of this world, My servants would fight (to defend me,) so that I should not be delivered to the Jews; but now My Kingdom is not from here.” -So rather than Jesus’ servants (who He called “friends” -by the way) fighting and dying to defend Him, He surrenders Himself to certain death on the cross. Let us think about these last events of Christ’s earthly life even further. On the last night with His disciples rather than having them serve Him, “He” opts to wash their feet in a display of ultimate humility: the “Creator” washing the “created’s” feet. Let us ponder even further and consider Peter attacking one of the high priest’s servants sent to arrest Jesus. Jesus rebukes Peter and then heals the servant’s wound. And just for the sake of argument, let us consider Jesus’ fireside breakfast with the disciples on the beach -after His resurrection. Our resurrected Lord cooked the disciples a meal in His glorified body; take a second to wrap your head around that scene. -Our resurrected Savior was still serving. Surely “His” Kingdom is not of this world! How many of our worldly leaders can you imagine doing those things? How many of our church “leaders” have you ever seen doing anything like that? -Hopefully, at least a few, but I seriously doubt there are many. Our culture dictates that we act differently.
Yet, what were Jesus’ parting words to His disciples in Matthew 28:19-20? “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always,even to the end of the age.”
Jesus’ parting marching orders:
1. Go make disciples
2. Teach them what I taught you.
If we wanted to simplify these last commands from Jesus even further, I think it would be accurate to restate them as Jesus saying to the disciples -and to us, “Go do what I did.” -So then the question remains, “Are we doing today, what Jesus modeled for us in the Gospels?” When we look at American Christianity today, do we see a kingdom of this world? Do we see a kingdom that builds venues to compete with the venues of this world? Do we see a kingdom that markets itself just like the kingdoms of this world market themselves? Do we see a kingdom whose organizational structures function in a similar fashion to the kingdoms of this world? Do we see a kingdom with leadership that exhibits behavior from “a different Kingdom,” or does it’s leadership look very similar to the leadership that we find in this world?
If you answered the above questions honestly, perhaps you are feeling a bit of the frustration that I am. God’s Kingdom is not supposed to look like man’s kingdoms, nor does it attempt to compete with them. I have seen an innumerable amount of impressive church buildings. I have participated in worship services with the musical and speaking talent to rival the talents found in the world. I have been a part of religious machines that had millions of dollars flowing through them. I have served under very gifted, talented and charismatic leaders, who could masterfully lead hundreds of people. I have been a part of church politics that was just as complex and every bit as brutal as the political systems of the world. I have seen good people get “thrown away” and deeply wounded by our coveted religious institutions. And I have watched as God’s people, shepherds & sheep, were absolutely ruined by the world’s “matrix” working in Jesus’ bride. So please understand, I have to be candid and ask the obvious question: “Whose kingdom do we look like?” The answer to that question is the 10,000 pound elephant in the Church.
If there is to be any meaningful reform in the Church, we must stop competing with the world and reject the systems, tendencies, unholy methods and core values that are found in our secular culture. We must reject the complex systems of empty religion that have infested our Christian communities. Those of us who are still sober enough to realize our drunkenness must be brave and speak out. We must reject all of the excuses for bringing the world’s systems into the church. We must rediscover the elementary teachings of Jesus found in the Gospels. And we must return to the most basic elements of the Church.
-Next, we will begin discussing those basic elements. Stay tuned…
Exhausted… -Rediscovering the core elements of the Church
Wow… where do I start? I have read the books. I have been to the conferences and listened to the top speakers in the country. -And I have heard all the angles. I have even visited one of the most talked about “revivals” of the past century. (I am not sure if I want to publicly admit that or not.) -Calvinists, Charismatics, Armininianist, Missiologists… -Reformed theology, dispensational theology, “no” theology… it’s all out there and I have been exposed to almost all of it. I guess if it were important to me, I could keep up with the steady information flow, toss the complex terms around in religious conversation and quote the latest “hot” author in order to impress my peers and those I minister to. -But… a few years ago I began to wonder why we were all doing this in the first place? And eventually, I just got completely exhausted with all of it.
I often ponder all the impressive theological and intellectual words that I have learned over the years and think, “With all the spiritual ramblings written in all the books, spoken at all the church oriented events and blasted out using every form of media imaginable, -where are all the “healthy” communities of believers? With all the Bible colleges, seminaries and other religious institutions that clutter christianity’s landscape, -where are all the authentic disciples? With all the money flowing, paid staff working literally millions of hours every year and all the other immeasurable resources available to the Church, -why aren’t we making a difference in our culture? With all of the teaching & preaching that is blasted through state of the art church multimedia systems, pumped through global satellite networks and displayed for all to see across numerous social media platforms, why are we not changed? Despite our use of the world’s technology, recruitment of the very best talent that money can buy and hedging our bets on state of the art facilities, all used to create a very relaxing and entertaining, yet intellectually stimulating, “coffee house” atmosphere that our unchurched friends should feel comfortable coming to -why aren’t they interested? One very simple question, “Why?”
Let’s remember a very fitting definition of the word “insanity,” “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Can we just get really honest with ourselves??? We are failing to reach our culture. We are failing to make an impact on our communities. We are failing to win our friends, neighbors and loved ones to God’s Kingdom. Why???
-It is not for lack of resources…
-It is not for lack of theological education…
-It is not for lack of exposure…
Our resources, knowledge and means of exposing our beliefs and values to our culture are exponentially larger than that of the early church. You do understand that, right? So why do we struggle? Maybe, just maybe, we need to pull our heads out of our theology & church programming and start asking ourselves some basic questions:
-What if we relaxed our loyalty to our coveted theological positions in order to use some common sense?
-What if we stopped flashing around all the high-end intellectual terms that are not readily found in scripture and focused on the basics?
-What if we were willing to question the validity of our most beloved church programs in order to reconcile them with the simple teachings of Jesus?
-What if we renounced the “glamour” of doing church and retreated to the “purpose” of the Church?
-What if we traded our “church growth” programs in for learning how to participate in authentic relationships that produce organic community?
-What if “success” had a deeper meaning than the number of butts that are sitting in our sanctuaries on Sunday mornings?
What if “church” as we know it is supposed to look COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ?
If Sunday’s “celebration” service had to be canceled, if the video projectors were hocked at the local pawn shop, if there was no stage for the band to play on because the church buildings had been auctioned off, if the bank accounts were completely depleted and all the staff had to be terminated, if these “nonessential” elements that seem so “essential” to today’s church were removed, what would we have left?
-Would we have disciples?
-Would we have anyone willing to shepherd the people?
-Would we still have as many churches?
Water is used in innumerable mixtures, from soft drinks to commercial cleaners. -But when it is purified to its simplest form and broken down to it’s most basic molecular components, we find a simple molecule containing the following elements: two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. What should we find when the Church is deduced down to Her basic elements, -when She is in Her purest most organic state?
I know, I know… I’m making you think. I’m making you uncomfortable. I’m questioning the validity of your “finely tuned” theology and church programs. I might even be making you mad. Hopefully, I am at least making you “wrestle” a bit. -I invite you to “wrestle” for a few weeks with me as I invest some thought into pondering, “What are the core elements of the Church.”
May God help us have open minds and open hearts as to what “His Bride” is supposed to be made of.
How Do I Recover From Spiritual Abuse???
Spiritual abuse is happening in churches around us and it needs to be exposed. After all, part of the reason it happens is because people do not recognize it or openly talk about it. –However, for their own good, spiritual abuse victims must “move on.” Victims must get on with theirs lives. If they don’t, they have allowed their abusers to take everything from them.
When I read about spiritual abuse or correspond with victims, I have found that a lot of people seem to be “stuck.” This really bothers me. Therefore, I have decided to write this post in order to share what I have done in the past and what I am doing now to get my own life back.
First, please do not think I am telling you to forget your bad experience and move on. We all wish it were that easy. I liken spiritual abuse to a very bad stomach flu in which the effects last a very, very long time. It takes you by surprise. It makes you really sick, very weak and let’s just be honest and say that you are not that fun to be around. When you first begin to realize that you are sick you ask yourself, “How did this happen to me anyway? How did ‘I’ get infected?” As the realization of your condition sets in, your body begins to fight the virus. The best way it knows how to get the foreign pathogen out of your system is to “eject” it by using your body’s natural systems; there are two ways your body does this and neither one is fun. However, your body must perform these operations in order to rid you of the destructive microorganisms that are causing you to be sick. Eventually, after much “ejecting” (the length of time depends on how sick you are) you begin to feel “a little” better. BUT, the recovery process is not over.
You must now begin to put nutrients back into your body. Have you ever wondered why beverages like Sprite and Gatorade make you feel so much better when you are recovering from a stomach flu? It is because they are supplying your body with fluids and simple sugars that are easily digested and transformed into energy, thus you “feel better.” As you continue to place nutrients back into your system, you feel better and better. BUT, the process is still not over. You must now rid your home of all the items that might have been “infected” with the virus. You go on a cleaning spree and wash all clothing that could have been exposed to that pesky contagion. At last, you get all the trash out of the house that was associated with your “bad experience.” THEN… you move on. You get on with your life. Who wants to stay sick anyway? Who wants to keep an intimate relationship with a nasty commode? Who wants to wallow in sell pity and puke? NO ONE WHO IS HEALTHY. -So you go back to work, you go back to school, you hang out with friends, you love on your spouse & children and you continue pursuing your passions; you enjoy this amazing gift called life that God has given to us.
While crude, the analogy of recovering from the stomach flu is much like recovering from spiritual abuse. I will list the steps to my recovery below using the steps of recovery from a bad case of the stomach flu:
#1 You have to admit you are sick. You must come to the point where you say, “I was abused.” -This step took me years; it was a very complicated process for me. I had no idea what spiritual abuse was. My actions were skewed during those years. After all, I was sick; I needed to stop and admit it so I could begin recovery and get better. *I remember finally stopping myself and thinking, “Something is wrong with me and I need to address it.”
#2 Allow yourself to throw up. I HATE throwing up when I am sick. There have been countless times when I have laid still in the bed, and stayed sick as a dog, because I did not want to throw up. -But after I allow myself to throw up, I always feel better. Begin to acknowledge and openly talk about your abuse with those close to you; you need to throw up. Believe it or not, it is a natural healthy reaction to sickness. If you have limited access to others to talk, try writing about it. Writing about my experience was very helpful for me.
#3 Find a friend, counselor or spiritual director to “hold the bucket” while you vomit. It is very important that you do this. *DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DEAL WITH THIS ALONE! You need a support network. Ask God to show you how to find your support. I know this is tough for spiritual abuse victims. If you are unable to locate anyone local to you, at least visit some online sources and make connections. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who share your experience; find some who are further along in recovery than you are. For me, my wife was my primary bucket holder; we held each other’s buckets. In addition, I sought counseling from a professional christian counselor and a few older pastor friends. God used each one of those people to advance me through my recovery process. I do not think I could have made it alone.
#4 Allow yourself to get angry and “grieve” your situation. It’s OK to get really pissed off!!! You were hurt; you were abused. Allow yourself to remember and “process” what happened to you. Stop making excuses for your abuser. You may find yourself bitter. Remind yourself that bitterness is a sin and ask God to help you work through it. YOU WILL NOT WORK THROUGH THE BITTERNESS OVERNIGHT; it is “a process.” Do not put pressure on yourself. The Holy Spirit will let you know when it is time to be done with your bitterness once and for all. Keep asking Him for guidance and help and He will lead you.
#5 Get extremely honest and blunt with God. If you are hurting, tell Him. If you are angry, tell Him. If you are bitter, tell Him. If you have questions, ask Him. God is the God of the Universe; He is completely capable of handling anything we can say or ask. He loves us and wants us to recover; he also knows we are hurting. Rest in the grace and goodness of God and ask Him to help you, but be honest with Him and tell Him how you are feeling. I believe my blunt honesty with God was a key aspect of my recovery process. I was mad, and hurt, and confused, and angry -and I let Him know it. My being honest with Him did not take Him by surprise, but boy it sure helped me.
#6 Allow yourself to take a break and get some rest. Just chill out with your family and other people who love you. If you are a leader, DON’T BE. Take a break and get some rest. Give yourself time to recuperate. Discuss with your counselor or close friends what your recover process might look like. I was pastoring a church plant during this season and stepped down. I can not stress how important it was for me to take a step back from ministry. When you get really sick, your body needs time and rest to recover. Recovering from spiritual abuse is no different.
#7 Allow yourself to throw up some more; make sure all the “crap” is out of your system. You may need that friend or counselor to “hold the bucket” again. As you detox from the spiritually abusive atmosphere, you will begin to remember more and more. You will also begin to “connect the dots” as you think back on certain experiences. The more you detox, the more you understand what happened to you. As you undergo this process, you WILL need to throw up again. It is OK, let your recovery run its course. GET THE “CRAP” OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM; do not wallow in it. –You do not want to keep and intimate relationship with the toilet forever!
#8 Get some “nutrients” back into your system. Take it slow, but be deliberate in getting those nutrients -so you can get your strength back. Begin to re-enter “safe” spiritual atmospheres. Ask God, your friends and counselors to help you find them. Begin reading your Bible again; not to find scripture in order to prove your abuser was wrong, but for your recovery. I personally recommend the Gospel of John and the book of James. I also recommend a very readable translation like the NIV or NLT. Remember, you are not doing any intense Bible study. You are simply reading God’s Word and allowing “Him” to speak to you.
#9 Rid your house of anything that could still “carry” the virus. Divorce yourself from all spiritually abusive atmospheres. ***DO NOT RETURN TO THE ABUSIVE CHURCH!!!*** There will be times where you will want to; resist that inclination. Stop listening to anyone affiliated with the abusive ministry. Limit contact with those who are “still drinking the Kool-aide.” You are not strong enough to rescue anyone right now; you need to be protecting yourself from re-infection. *Many people recovering from an abusive church actually return to the same abusive church or find another one. When they do, their likelihood of getting out becomes even lower. I have seen this with my own eyes. BE CAREFUL!!!
#10 Consider forgiveness. Yes, it is that time. You will never be able to totally recover or “move on” without forgiving those who hurt you. I know, I know, this is a tough one… –BUT IT IS ESSENTIAL. No one can make you forgive, not even God Himself. Your recovery must progress to the place where “you” want to forgive. This is a big step, but it is also a very liberating step. Continue to seek God and let it come naturally as He works in your heart. *There is so much more I could say here. If you would like further teaching and explanation in this area, please visit this link: Forgiveness Teaching
#11 Eat some solid food and continue to build your strength back. Well… you have finished puking, been drinking clear liquids for a day or so and you finally got the house cleaned up. You are “feeling better” and beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. Continue to build your strength back. Examine your relationship with God. Make sure your life revolves around “Him” and not the “institution” of a local church. Never let anything be a substitute for your relationship with God. Study the Bible for your self. Have your own prayer life. Know what “you” believe, not just what some pastor or church tells you to believe. Work towards becoming a “mature” christian. -Then look for a healthy church, if you have not found one yet. You need to be around healthy people. You need to be in a healthy atmosphere. You need to be planted in a medium where you can grow and get strong.
#12 Refuse to take on the “victim” mindset. Refuse to surrender your life! You “were” a victim; do not “remain” a victim. There will be a temptation to “be a victim.” RESIST! God has sustained you. He is healing you. He is bringing you to a place of recovery. DON”T YOU DARE GIVE IN TO THE VICTIM MINDSET! God has a purpose for you -and it is not to be a victim. Acknowledge your past, but also acknowledge that with God’s help and the help of others you are overcoming your past. You do not have to be a victim of spiritual abuse for the rest of your life, but “you” have to make the choice not to be.
#13 Engage in life. What are ” your” passions? What are “your” God-given dreams? What do “you” want to do with this precious gift called “life” that God has given to you? Wrestle with those questions and figure them out. If you were in the abusive atmosphere for long, you might have never asked these questions before. Don’t rush wrestling with these questions; it might take some time. However when you figure the answers out, pursue your dreams.
#14 Allow God to use you to help others. Help others heal and get on with their lives. The truth is, if you have made a full or nearly full recovery from serious spiritual abuse, you are in the perfect place to help others who have been abused. You have experienced something that cannot be described with words. -And you just don’t know what is feels like to be there, -unless you have been there. You don’t need to be a pastor or counselor; all you have to do is “hold a bucket,” be a friend, remind a precious soul that God is still there or just sit and just be an expression of God’s love to someone who is hurting. After all, isn’t that what the Church is supposed to be about anyway?